| Ummm. |
[22 May 2009|12:55am] |
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Ho-lee shit.
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| Let's Go to Bed. |
[27 Aug 2007|12:17am] |
Remember 2003?
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I hear you. Fuck off Robb! FUCK OFF! Well, I have baby. I have. I'm trying to live a life totally seperate from the friendships and acquintances I built up over the years. I could say for the past 2 years I have been doing this, at first not intentionally. At first it was just because I was wrapped up in my own self-serving, twisted psycophantic dream-land. Images of settling down with a house and a car and a baby, all for reasons that are so predictable you've guessed them already. It may not be something anyone else would let get in the way of having a good time, out partying (or be terribly proud of) but it's something that has eluded my family for generations. Something I want to prove to the world. And in my first serious relationship with all the highs and lows, the cute talk and the sharing the future...it twisted my head around 180 degrees. Maybe it's just me but there's something so special about sharing your thoughts, mind, visions with someone. There's something so exciting about talking about the future and naming children and getting butterflies in your stomach when you have to chip in for a pregnancy test... The visions were so clear and the love I had for this girl was so intense...I could say I was easily manipulated. I could say the reason I stopped seeing my real friends, missed birthdays, ignored family problems, missed Celtic games, missed work, et al was because of HER, she was insecure about not having her own crowd around her...but it wasn't. It was because of me. I wanted to. I took everything for granted, everyone. I have no idea why some people would bother their arse being in the same company as me and I did appreciate it but I just...I dunno. I was just wrapped up, ok? I'm sorry. It's like I was in a sure-thing and although yes, I'd be a shite boyfriend and play Football Manager instead of hugging up and watching Jaws I never thought it would get to the point where she would be taken for granted as well. But she was.
Now I'm not trying to say this "wrapped up in a lovely dream" thing excuses me from being a shit friend, I was a shit friend and I lost out on a lot with people I think are cool motherfuckers. I'm just trying to explain my reasons.
Sure, the past year has been the worst in my life. I've went through a soap opera of bullshit, I've lost the girl, lost the friends, lost the family, lost the sanity. Yes, boohoo for Robb. I've lived a pathetic life of solitude, acting as carer and clean-up boy to a family that has lost all hope and respect for me and my future. Clinging to a solitary friendship, the only true friend I've kept...like a parasite. Latching on to the odd night-out in the grim hope of spurring a friendship with a whole new crowd, becoming part of a whole new scene but in the end just staring into my pint wanting to go home. Every date I feel comes from pity and I could bore the tears out of a particulary teary thing with the "my ex split with me and ripped my heart out" story. Every girl I find doesn't provide the love, the security or the comfort I once took for granted. "Just friends" with every girl that's in my league (Scottish Division 3). I have no confidence, no interest in my looks, image, body or even interest in my facking interests. I've missed family funerals whilst I've sat eating Frosties watching The Sopranos.
So yes, you could conclude that when we split up I was not prepared to handle it. Think of that of you will, I wish I could be a suave, cool bastard like 100% of you have been 24 hours a day for your whole lives but I wasn't. All you guys and gals wipe away the memories of the bitch/bastard, CTRL+ALT+DELETE your last 100 posts mentioning them and go out, have a drink and forget all about them until the next one. Now is it just me or is that the most fucked up, non-human play of events you've ever heard? Am I the crazy and pathetic one for caring about someone? Am the the fucked up bastard for wanting to tear out my hair, scream and shout, cry my heart out and generally do everything in my power to try and make things right again? To try again and again and again to make someone I love see me and re-create what we had and never doubt myself, never give up? DOES THAT MEAN I'M CRAZY? A bit lame, sure I can accept that. But yeah, I care that things I have done are being perceived as pathetic, crazy, weird but at the end of the day I can stand up and say I'm a human being and did what I did without any sort of foul intentions. I have passion, at least enough to make me get out of my chair and walk however many miles in the middle of the night to try and confront a situation that was eating me up inside (the fact no-one was home and I had to say SOMETHING, by whatever means necessary = madness? ...obv!). I may not be cool, calculated and a sarcastic arsehole but hey, I have other qualities. I wear my heart on my sleeve and I do it no-matter WHAT. If there's something bothering you I'm the kind of guy that is going to listen, not wait for an opportunity to crack a cheap joke and then talk about you behind your back. I still give a damn and I have respect for people, for friendships (no matter how old) and for ex-girlfriends... so erm, fuck you if you don't like it.
It's really been a tough as fuck time and sure, I've laid myself on a plate to be the butts of jokes and an all-round saddo freak in the eyes of people who maybe, if they were lucky, stood in the same nightclub as me one time back in 2005. KNOWING someone is a lot of boring work, why should anyone care if there's one less McDonald's worker in the world!? Random insults like that will get y'all some virtual pats on the back and a big hard-on, some good shit, I don't blame you. Fuck, I WOULD if I were you!! Seriously. Hell, it doesn't matter that this very week I've had the news of my step-father dying at the age of 41, a step-father who left the family AFTER my OWN father (and who has had around 2 replacements since) and drunk himself into oblivion. What do you care about my family problems, alchoholism, suicidal tendencies, trust issues, I'm 23 years old and I'm tyed down to a household that is going to end eventually and I won't have anything to show for it...except "aw, Robert, he took care of his family didn't he? Wonder where he's going to live/work now". Now yes, I should be a big boy and not let all this shit get me down, fuck you, I'm trying! Other people in the world can walk through life like they're doing the backstrock, let's all suck their cocks!
OH WAIT! I'm putting all my personal thoughts and feelings, my intimate history onto an old journal for the world to see! Like I care if someone reads this? Actually, I do. If you don't care about me then fair fucks to you, away find a picture of Robb Idle and draw a moustache on it. I am flawed to fuck, who gives a shit? I've learned my lesson when it comes to taking things for granted, I don't point fingers or blame anyone who maybe has contributed to me being so low and lonely. It's given me a huge life lesson, I'm glad it's happened and now I'm prepared to move on.
But bringing back my Livejournal NOW? I'm ready to meet the world head on again, I'm starting to get some semblance of a life back and I just want to let everyone I met over the past 4+ years (that remembers who I am) that I regret not being involved, I regret not learning this fucked up lesson sooner and I appreciate any time you have given me. I won't be reaching out and trying to get in touch with anybody and I'm not looking for it back but I guess this is my "catch you around".
Peace out
*emotional tears!*
<lj-cut text="Robb">
Yeah so I got a wee bitty upset and drunk on Monday night and wanted to talk to you so I got my ass into a warm jacket at 12:30ish and walked to your flat. Then remembered you don't have a buzzer. Oops. I apologise for any...erm, daubings I left around. I'm cringing so badly right now thinking about what I did on Monday, I just went from feeling heart-broken and emasculated to wanting to sing to your window. I'm thinking that this isn't over, I'm thinking you don't believe me when I say I would do anything for you, I love you. I want you to see that I'll always be thinking of you and I'm madly in love with the cutest, prettiest girl in the world.
I'm wanting you to look out the window and see me stand in the rain and for you to remember what we had.
I just want to put the last year behind us and third time lucky my way into happiness forever...
Then I wake up on my mums couch, confused, sore and still with a crushed feeling in my chest. Ali doesn't care one iota and if you ever did it's gone forever, no-one would be able to do this to someone they even remotely pretended to like. I get the message. It came close enough to hatred of Ali as I think I'll ever get, taking away one of my very few BEST friends and alienating me even further from a social life I have hardly even bothered with since we split up has given me a clear and concise message. You wouldn't piss on me if I were on fire. But I will NEVER, ever hate you or wish harm upon you.
Ce la vie. I'll love you and miss you forever Ali. I wish you all the best in the future and also to make it clear I won't ever visit your flat/scheme uninvited ever again, I realise that the old Ross/Rachael, Adam Sandler/Drew Barrymore Hollywood love thing is a load of shit but for one glimpsing, drunken moment I believed, the chid in me believed and I won't make that mistake again.
I'll always be here for you no-matter what you do,
<3,
Robb
</lj-cut>
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[08 May 2005|03:28pm] |
Killing this LJ by changing the password to mumbo-jumbo and forgetting it.
It's been emotional.
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[10 Apr 2005|11:43pm] |
Hi everybody.
I've not been arsed with LJ for ages and the only reason I ever log in is so I can read Ali's friends on her LJ all telling her to dump me so I think it's about time I retired it. Not that anyone will bother their ERSE.
I have a job now that I just started and I like. I get to see movies for NUHIN so that'll ensure my attendance for infinity.
JR, SETT, PETE, PAM an aw them I hope to see you around when I start getting the wages in.
Eliina, I wanna stay in contact with you but you have so many fans now and I'm really rubbish at the e-mailing. :(
I'll probably fall back and link to MySpace or some shit tomorrow, since I'm such a speccy prick.
Ciao, Robb.
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[30 Dec 2004|11:24pm] |
What yee all doing for Hogmanay?
Probably Catty here.
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[30 Dec 2004|08:12pm] |
(I miss you all LJ peoples, I will update about Crimbo and my New Year Resolutions soonish.)
In the meantime, I have no music on my computer.
Suggest a song.
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[21 Dec 2004|03:46pm] |
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Hey guys. I forgot to mention I have a Schwarzenegger haircut.
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| Rev Love This |
[16 Dec 2004|10:44pm] |
So standing at the lights at Pizza Hut with Ali (waiting to cross over to McDonalds) on Jamaica Street I hear this shouting at the lights across the way from me (outside KFC). A guy with a bright flourescent yellow jacket on a bike was being attacked by 2 neds, fuck knows what he did, all I know is he didn't look as if he deserved it. So he starts peddling like a bastard on the road towards us being chased by one of the pricks who starts swinging a Buckfast bottle at his head. The biker does a sharp U-Turn and cycles away hard and fast under the bridge and the ned gives up and starts swaggering across the road back to his pal.
Only to be KNOCKED THE FUCK DOWN by a no.62 bus!
Oh dear LOL.
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| REAL LIFE DRAMA |
[14 Dec 2004|02:25am] |
Get this.
Today I went down to cash my DOLE QUEUE GIRO and they wouldn't accept my ID. Pure long queue at the Post Office as well and I'm like "You do realise this is money I need for christmas?, you've been accepting my ID for 2 months, why are you rejecting it now?" and the manager came out and she obviously had a massive stick up her arse because no-matter what I tried to explain she was being the most cheeky bastarding cow back to me. It's all about the surname issues innit? I have one ID with my dads and one with my mums. She's like "The Post Office do not know you as Robert ******* so NO WAY HOSE."
I go home.
I find a letter from the fucking Post Office addressed to Robert ******.
Robb 1 - Post Office 0
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[07 Dec 2004|03:02am] |
HEY EVERYBODY, DOING GOOD.
I HAVE A GIRLFRIEND NOW.
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| I'M MOVING TO FINLAND AGAIN |
[07 Dec 2004|02:42am] |
I want to rip my face off and eat it.
Balc Mood have a gig on Wednesday, hurrah! Their bassist left the night beofre the played the barr-llands , hurrah!
I'vwe just spent all my money on Black Books and Richard Pryor and some manky kebab. Piss on you.
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[03 Dec 2004|08:16pm] |
Why is there fuck AWL in the cinema?
Pish.
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[02 Dec 2004|11:40pm] |
I have a 'before he was bald' haircut. Every bald guy had one and in 10 years time I'll have mine too.
Not that I'm scared of it.
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[27 Nov 2004|07:14pm] |
Get yersels OOT to Deathkill 4000 at the Barfly tonight.
Gawn.
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| Missing You |
[19 Nov 2004|01:31am] |
next Week I Must:
Get out and do stuff with Ali.
Meet Pam for Jobsearch.
Meet Marie for tea.
Make time for cinema with JR/Sett/anybody who wants to come.
To Ali, all my friends and people I know (people I should be friends with by now) I'm sorry. My life is this big disorganised pile of shit that has one disaster after another flung on top of it. This year I have lost a little unborn cousin and a great uncle. I've been mentally abused in my home not through malice or anything on my uncles part but just through me not being able to cope with responsibilty. I feel really shit for not attending Pete or JR's birthday parties and know I've treated Ali badly and most of my friends badly. Sorry for never arranging time to meet anyone. But thanks to the people who have tried to get to know me, it means a lot.
Help me out next week by dragging me out everywhere guys. Make an effort to come out next weekend and meet me if you haven't already, I really need it. DEATHKILL 4000 everyone?
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[03 Nov 2004|07:30pm] |
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Go back to bed America.
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[06 Sep 2004|04:48pm] |
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Take Me Off.
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[07 Aug 2004|06:07pm] |
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I want to vomit until my eyeballs burst.
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| + HAW BAND + |
[03 Jul 2004|02:51am] |
FAO: Kyle, Bonner, Heather, JR and Lev.
Sort out next weeks practise here. Is Wednesday good for everybody?
I hope so!
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saint_me's journal
